Slime Siege Strikes Independence

The quiet streets of Independence were jolted awake last Thursday when a viscous black slime began appearing in driveways, on storefronts and—most alarmingly—inside Mrs. Thompson’s Buick outside Price Chopper on Truman Road. Eyewitnesses describe the substance as “the darkest pancake batter you’ve ever seen,” clinging to wheel wells and tree limbs as if auditioning for a horror movie.

Citizens Slip Into Panic

Local reaction has ranged from mild annoyance to full-blown hysteria. On Nextdoor, an anonymous user (“GooWarrior92”) declared, “I’m not saying it’s aliens, but I’m also not not saying it.” Meanwhile, one caller to 911 insisted the slime spoke to her in pig Latin. Church bulletin boards at First Methodist have been plastered with warnings to bring extra towels and avoid rainy days.

Council Convenes for Goo Summit

Mayor Mike Scott wasted no time calling an emergency session—dubbed the “Goo Summit”—with city council members and the fire chief:

  • Councilwoman Laurel Strom urged immediate curbside power-washing.
  • Fire Chief José Alvarez recommended foam trucks for large outbreaks.
  • Environmental Health Director Dr. Elise Han floated the possibility of a microbial culprit.

“We’ve seen oil spills, algae blooms, even the occasional batty political scandal,” the mayor sighed, “but black slime is a new one for Independence.”

Dot’s Unfiltered Findings

As your neighborhood’s resident librarian-turned-investigative-maven, I deployed my trusty 1987 Buick to patrol every pothole between Blue Springs and Raytown. My Price Chopper eavesdroppers report whispers of a chemical mix-up at a nearby auto-shop. And at Sunday’s potluck, Mrs. Jenkins swore she saw a tanker leak hog waste into a storm drain—and that’s before her third helping of ambrosia salad.

The Road to Slime-Free Streets

Fear not, dear readers—crews are mobilizing tomorrow at dawn, foam rigs in tow. Price Chopper is handing out industrial‐strength sponges at aisle 7, next to the organic ketchup. And if the slime persists, I’ll be rallying my retiree spy network for even more clandestine stakeouts. After all, Independence can handle potholes, roundabouts—and now, black slime—and still come out smelling like roses (or at least like a very clean Buick).